Tonight, Emily awoke at 1:30 wanting to nurse. Most times lately that would be mildly frustrating as I’ve come to appreciate the nights where I get a full nights sleep as she sleeps longer stretches as she gets older. But tonight, as I cuddled her in the half-darkness of her room, she reached up her hand and wrapped her fingers around my thumb, and I realized then how small she still is. I pulled her in closer and stroked her hair, looking to see if she’d closed her eyes yet and I found her staring up at me. So much love and trust are held in those eyes. The eyes that slowly opened as we shaded them in the moments after we welcomed her into this world. Eyes that dance with joy every time she smiles and look almost closed because of those chubby, kissable cheeks.
So often lately I find myself pulled between loving the stage she’s at now, looking forward to the new things she will soon learn, and yearning for the ‘old days’ of her infancy. When I look back on how petite and delicate she was when she was born, I feel a yearning start within me to be in that place again, but tonight for the the first time in a while I felt a peace about the fact that that time might not come again for a while. We have such a big responsibility to our little girl that we need to focus on right now, letting her know that she is loved and cared for, that she is unique and God created her for a purpose. How do you really explain to a little child that a new sibling is adding to your family, not replacing them when so much of your time is taken up by the new baby? Each day I have at home alone with Emily is a time for me to begin cultivating in her a love for beauty, and people, and learning, and I need to savour these moments when she looks up and all she sees is me.
Perhaps someday soon it will be time again to welcome another child into our lives, and my heart dances with joy with the thought, but whether that day come in one year, or five, or never, we will celebrate each day with and for this beautiful little girl we have been given.
We are so truly blessed.