I might post more later when this day is over, but for right now, all I can manage is a repost of the letter I wrote to him for his memorial. Not a single thing has changed except for the number of days that stand between us.
Our hearts ache so badly for a second chance with him. Even just to hold him again for a little longer. The truth though, is that today isn’t just for mourning. The privilege of welcoming him here on August 8th, 2012 still overwhelms my heart. We got to make some memories with him. I am so proud to be his mom.
So, if you are looking for something you can do for us today, please consider baking a cake or dessert in honour of Griffin and enjoy it with your family. We won’t be having the first birthday party we would have wanted for him, but I love the idea of our friends and family celebrating him today.
And I hope today in Heaven they are celebrating your first birthday the way you should be celebrated.
To my sweet Griffin,
It's already been a week. A week since I last felt you move and kick inside me. A week since those first contractions started that we thought meant we were finally going to meet you. A week since that moment that everything went sideways. It wasn't just our baby that we lost at that moment. It was a lifetime worth of dreams; of milestones we thought we'd share with you.
It's also been a week since we last held you . We clung to you knowing that our time with you would be way too short, and we tried to memorize your every detail. We marveled at your blonde hair and your big hands and feet. I will always speak with pride about how much you weighed, and how tall you had grown to. I spent many late nights wondering what you'd look like, and what your little personality would be like, and I still can't believe how perfect you were.
I carried you every moment you were alive on this earth, and never have I been given a more special gift. Amidst all of this sadness, we feel so blessed to have been your parents. Chosen and set apart to love and care for such a special gift to the world. Chosen to carry on your memory and to make sure your legacy is known.
And now we're here. Saying goodbye to our first born son. Giving your spirit and all of our hopes and dreams for your life back to God, and begging 'take care of him'. I know that you're surrounded now by a beauty we can't even imagine, and a peace we'll never attain here on earth, but I still wish that every moment of our days were different. I wish I was experiencing every hard and beautiful part of parenting two kids. I wish I was watching Emily grow as a big sister. I wish I was dreaming with your Daddy about all of your firsts.
But for now? We're just waiting. Waiting until we'll see you again. Waiting on God to answer all of our questions of 'why'. Waiting to see what kind of impact your short time with us will make in the world.
Please watch for me, sweet boy. Know that one day I will return to you. And I will gather you up and tell you all of the things that I tried to tell you that night. That we love you with a love that is greater than any words and stronger than death. That we miss you with an ache that will never dim, for every step laid out before us is a step taken without you by our side. And that I am so sorry that I couldn't carry you safely into this world.
Today isn't really a goodbye, as I know I'll carry you with me everywhere I go, but as we mix in some of your ashes, it really is a sign that our physical time with you is over, and that all we have to hold on to now is your pictures and our memories. We will cling to them so tightly Griffin, until we can make some more with you.
I love you, my sweet son.
See you later, alligator.
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all, exclusively
I felt you grow, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we're not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time will slowly ease my pain
but I know I'll always cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"