afterwards

I have spent a year on my knees. 

Broken and pleading for peace when darkness starts to creep in.  Looking for hope to keep me afloat.  Clinging to thankfulness for what I still have and for everything Griffin was.  It’s the way of grieving and healing that came naturally to me, so I have danced along that journey for 12 of life’s months.

And I’m so good at that.  My heart can find goodness and amazing gifts amidst even the most sorrowful moments of our lives. I have a very practical mind, but I see the world in its whole spectrum of colour.

But I read something today that informed my heart that it might be time for more.

Maybe it’s time to stop being the woman who survived the death of her son by seeking goodness and start being the woman who tried to change the world because she had a son who changed her life forever.  Being the good because he was here instead of seeking good to survive his absence. 

Or maybe both, since my heart will never be over it.

I tried, this past year, to mark each month since Griffin’s birth day with an act of kindness, but it didn’t go far.  I don’t think I was ready yet to mark those days with anything but sadness.  But now, maybe I’m ready for more. 

I’m not quite sure what it will look like yet.  But I’ll let you know.