Saturday, August 11, 2012

our precious son

This isn’t the post I ever expected to be writing today. 
We lost our baby boy on Wednesday night when we should have been welcoming him.  And as much as the pain of our new reality makes we want to withdraw and run for distractions, my heart knows that I have a much bigger job and a much better way to grieve.
I am the proud mom of a beautiful baby boy, and I want and need to share all of the wonderful details about him just as I would if he was still living and breathing.  I’ve had some conversations with people about how and where I’m at with grieving and this is it.  There is something newly painful about almost every moment of the day as I encounter things I had planned to experience with him in my arms instead of my heart, but every time I share him with people I can feel my heart healing a little bit.   
What was taken away from us at his birth was the future, but it didn’t take away the past.  For nine months I had carried him and loved on him, talking and singing to him while I rubbed his little back and bum.  After he was born I cradled him and stroked his face.  We swaddled him in a blanket at first and then later we bathed him and clothed him in one of his little sleepers.  I held him and rocked him like any mother would rock her child, praying at first that if it was God’s will He would bring him back to life, but mostly just praying that he had found his way to heaven safely.  When we were alone, Craig and I lay down with him in between us and prayed and wept, and I never wanted to leave. 
Leaving him at the hospital while we went home with empty arms was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  We laid him in the fabric case made just for babies who have passed, kissed his chubby cheeks once more, and then closed it up.  And my heart broke in two.  Most of what we had done with him was a lot like normal mothering, but that was different. You wouldn’t ever zip something up over your babies face like that.  It was just so final.  After we had gathered our stuff and they brought me a wheelchair, I just couldn’t stop looking at that small bag on the bed and was overwhelmed by a panicked sense that I needed to open it again and just look at him and kiss him.  And so I did.  I kissed his lips and just breathed him in, knowing I wouldn’t get to see him again until Heaven.
Even though my heart and my mind has come to terms with the fact that we’ve lost our son, my body still aches for him, and there’s an sudden emptiness in it that you probably just don’t notice when your busy with taking care of them on the outside.
At some point I’d like to write out his full birth story because it was perfect in every way but one, but today I just want to share a few of the little details that make me such a proud mom.
God formed him perfectly.  Can I tell you about that? 
Griffy was 9lbs 2oz (a huge change from his 6.5lb big sister) and he was tall like my hubby at 22.5 inches long.  The midwives has mentioned at one of our visits that it didn’t feel like he had a big head, but after his birth Lily measured three times and it was 37cm.  The newborn diaper and sleeper we clothed him in at the hospital were really to small for him, which maybe had something to do with the fact that his legs already had some chubby rolls.  His hair was blonde like my husbands, and I swear it was receded in the exact same places.
He was sweet and mighty. He was ours.


Monika said...

Beautiful post Jen. I am so truly for your loss. Praying for you and Craig as you travel down this new road together.

Heidi said...

He is so handsome Jen. I said to Matt her looks like his daddy:)I am glad that you are finding ways to start the healing process. Hugs. You are all muched loved.

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Beautiful baby boy. Such an angel.

Jorden and Kristin said...

Jen, he's so handsome! my heart is so heavy for you and your family. I am, and have been, praying for you all. Heaven will be such a sweet reunion for you!

Steph said...

He's so precious. This is such a heartbreaking story. That drive home, in pain from the delivery but empty handed is the worst. May god give you light on these dark days

Anonymous said...

Jen, I don't know you well, we went to Redeemer together I think. I am a mom also...our daughters are just a few months apart and as I read your blog and looked at the pictures you have posted on facebook of your beautiful son I have shed many tears for you and your family. I cannot imagine the depth of your sorrow. Your strength is inspiring to me and I hope you realize what an awesome mom you are to your daughter and to your son who you carried and grew to be over 9lb!! I will continue to pray for you and your family during this difficult time and I also pray that God brings you to my mind in the months and years to come so I can remember to say a prayer for you as you will continue to miss your little boy.

Anonymous said...

My sweet friend, thank you for sharing your sweet story with us. As I learn more and more about him I long for the time in heaven when I can meet him and tell him what strong and beautiful meaning he brought to this world and the special peace he brought to my life. I am so thankful for you and our healing time together. Thank you for being brave, your strength in God, thank you for healing with me.


Elle said...

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Please know that God is surrounding you this entire journey. Also know that you have many people praying for you and your family, including myself, even though I don't personally know you. Hang in there!


Elle said...

I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. Please know that God is surrounding you this entire journey. Also know that you have many people praying for you and your family, including myself, even though I don't personally know you. Hang in there!


Susannah said...

What a beautiful story Jen. You are full of grace. Sending so many prayers to you.

Mandi @ Finding Home said...

With tears streaming down my cheeks, I read your sweet words about your precious son. Thank you for sharing him with us. His mighty impact has truly had so much impact on so many. You are in my deepest thoughts and prayers. Please email me if you want to talk. I would love to hear more about your precious boy.

PaigeR530 said...

I'm brand new to your blog from tweets from Lucy about your precious baby boy. He's beautiful. Praying for your family for peace and comfort.

Virginia Phillips said...

Such a precious baby boy and beautiful words! You don't know me but you have been on my heart and mind and I have been praying for you! Thank you for sharing your story! And for sharing you beautiful baby boy with us!

Lucy Marie said...

My prayers have not stopped for you Jen. Thank you for sharing Griffin with us. He was so handsome. I pray that God's peace will wash over you more and more each day. I am here any time you need to talk. We won't forget your precious son and I hope you realize the impact his story has had on so many. Continuing to Cover you in prayer my friend.

Laura @ My Thoughts-Uninterrupted said...

I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I hope you are able to find God's peace and comfort as time goes on. Thank you for sharing your story.


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