Wednesday, October 3, 2012

day 3: brokenness

31 days

I wasn’t sure what to write today, but this story by Jill Briscoe always gives me comfort.

He put the lamb down in the long grass to rest.  I hadn’t noticed the bird in His lap.  It had a broken wing.
"There are so many things that are broken in this world.”  The Bird Maker took hold of the little creature and it fluttered and squawked and tried to escape.
“She will have to lie still if she wants Me to mend her,” He said.
"How silly the bird is,” I murmured.
He looked at me. Just once.  Then I knew I had been silly too.
"If I lie still in Your hands and stop squawking, will you heal my broken wing?” I whispered, not daring to look at Him.
There was silence. Then, “Will you lie still in My hands whether I heal you or not?” He asked me very gently.
"I’ll try to,” I said after a long pause.
Then, “Come here, little girl,” He said, and I don’t know how it happened, but I was in His arms feeling the beat of His broken heart.  I understood at last.  Only someone with a broken heart would want to mend broken legs and wings.

I’ve cried out to God many times the past two months.  My pleas haven’t always been filled with faith and trust.

Heal him.
Make this all a bad dream.
Why did You let me get pregnant if You knew he would never make it? {*see below}
Please let me see what the point of all this is!
Why my baby?
Why me?

But through all of this, I have continually had the reassurance – a nudging in my soul – that we are so, so cared for. That even though we aren’t living the life we wanted, God has been pouring out His love on us, even if I can’t see it all yet.

I think sometimes, we pray for God’s protection over us, and when something bad happens we say, “Why weren’t you there?”.  But we forget. About all of the days when nothing bad happened.  We feel so deep in our pain, so alone, that we don’t look outward to see how much worse it could have been. 

Losing Griffin was by far, the hardest road I am {still} walking, but I think it could have been much worse.  God has kept away any depression.  Our marriage is strong{er}.  He has surrounded us with friends and family who continue to comfort and walk beside us.  He took Griffin to the most beautiful place imaginable, to wait for us.  He will never feel pain, never cry a tear, and as a mother there is some comfort in that, even though I would rather it be wiping those tears and kissing those scraped knees.

Regardless, God is asking me {all of us} to trust that He has everything in His control.  He is gathering up all of the broken pieces, and only He can make something beautiful out of them.

Until then. I need to wait on Him.


*Maybe someone much wiser than I am can give me some answers on this.  Did God know before we ever conceived that Griffin wouldn’t make it? Why would He ever do that?  Or did He see something shift along the way and know it was coming?  Or was He as surprised as we were when something happened inside to make Griffin’s heart stop beating? Does He weep over the ways our broken, flawed world changes His perfect plans?


Shannon@sassysister said...

So honest my friend.... You are the bravest person I know.

Shannon@sassysister said...

So honest my friend.... You are the bravest person I know.

Diva Tiff said...

Jen, I continue to think of you, pray for you, and appreciate your vulnerability in sharing. Thank you! I believe God is all knowing, but I don't believe he causes bad things to happen to us. I also feel that he weeps deeper in our sorrows than we will ever know. He too lost a son, Jesus Christ, and we are able to live with our families eternally because of His sacrifice.


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