Monday, August 20, 2012

Saying Goodbye

We didn't take any photos of Griffin's memorial on Saturday.  It was a sacred, deeply emotional time we spent with him, and I don't think it's possible to ever forget those moments.  Below is a letter and poem I read to him when we gathered, and I hope I can keep writing letters to him as the weeks and months pass.  Right now it's a way of working through my grief, but down the road I hope it's a way to include him in the new adventures of our lives.

To my sweet Griffin,

It's already been a week.  A week since I last felt you move and kick inside me.  A week since those first contractions started that we thought meant we were finally going to meet you.  A week since that moment that everything went sideways.  It wasn't just our baby that we lost at that moment. It was a lifetime worth of dreams; of milestones we thought we'd share with you. 

It's also been a week since we last held you .  We clung to you knowing that our time with you would be way too short, and we tried to memorize your every detail.  We marveled at your blonde hair and your big hands and feet.  I will always speak with pride about how much you weighed, and how tall you had grown to.  I spent many late nights wondering what you'd look like, and what your little personality would be like, and I still can't believe how perfect you were.

I carried you every moment you were alive on this earth, and never have I been given a more special gift.  Amidst all of this sadness, we feel so blessed to have been your parents. Chosent and set apart to love and care for such a special gift to the world.  Chosen to carry on your memory and to make sure your legacy is known.

And now we're here.  Saying goodbye to our first born son.  Giving your spirit and all of our hopes and dreams for your life back to God, and begging 'take care of him'.  I know that you're surrounded now by a beauty we can't even imagine, and a peace we'll never attain here on earth, but I still wish that every moment of our days were different. I wish I was experiencing every hard and beautiful part of parenting two kids. I wish I was watching Emily grow as a big sister. I wish I was dreaming with your Daddy about all of your firsts.

But for now? We're just waiting.  Waiting until we'll see you again.  Waiting on God to answer all of our questions of 'why'.  Waiting to see what kind of impact your short time with us will make in the world. 

Please watch for me, sweet boy.  Know that one day I will return to you.  And I will gather you up and tell you all of the things that I tried to tell you that night.  That we love you with a love that is greater than any words and stronger than death.  That we miss you with an ache that will never dim, for every step laid out before us is a step taken without you by our side.  And that I am so sorry that I couldn't carry you safely into this world. 

Today isn't really a goodbye, as I know I'll carry you with me everywhere I go, but as we mix in some of your ashes, it really is a sign that our physical time with you is over, and that all we have to hold on to now is your pictures and our memories.  We will cling to them so tightly Griffin, until we can make some more with you.

I love you, my sweet son.
See you later, alligator.

I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry
didnt get a chance to say "Hello"
you never said "Goodbye"
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn.
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special
I shared it all, exclusively
I felt you grow, I felt you kick.
You were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel
and every angel is divine
God needed one in heaven
He came down and took mine
And although we're not together
we're not really apart
for you'll always occupy a space
deep within my heart.
Time will slowly ease my pain
but I know I'll always cry.
When I wish I could have said "Hello"
and heard you say "Goodbye"
~Author Unknown


Lucy Marie said...

My prayers haven't stopped for you. This is a beautiful letter and the depth of your love for your son shines through. His impact on this world may never be fully known by you - but it's there. He has touched so many people.

Jillian said...

I'm so sorry:( I don't have any words. I'm praying for your family!

Colleen said...

Griffin's life is done, his passing a silent grief, he sleeps in god's garden, In sunshine of perfect peace. You will miss him ow so much, but realize god knew best. He let you have him a very short time, then gently brought him to rest. Angels are playing with Griffin he is in heaven;s garden waiting for all of you to join him one day! His stay here on earth may have been short, but are precious to you, Craig and his big sister Emily. I am so sorry for your loss. Each day will get better god bless all of you and Griffen.


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