afterwards

I have spent a year on my knees. 

Broken and pleading for peace when darkness starts to creep in.  Looking for hope to keep me afloat.  Clinging to thankfulness for what I still have and for everything Griffin was.  It’s the way of grieving and healing that came naturally to me, so I have danced along that journey for 12 of life’s months.

And I’m so good at that.  My heart can find goodness and amazing gifts amidst even the most sorrowful moments of our lives. I have a very practical mind, but I see the world in its whole spectrum of colour.

But I read something today that informed my heart that it might be time for more.

Maybe it’s time to stop being the woman who survived the death of her son by seeking goodness and start being the woman who tried to change the world because she had a son who changed her life forever.  Being the good because he was here instead of seeking good to survive his absence. 

Or maybe both, since my heart will never be over it.

I tried, this past year, to mark each month since Griffin’s birth day with an act of kindness, but it didn’t go far.  I don’t think I was ready yet to mark those days with anything but sadness.  But now, maybe I’m ready for more. 

I’m not quite sure what it will look like yet.  But I’ll let you know.

one.

I might post more later when this day is over, but for right now, all I can manage is a repost of the letter I wrote to him for his memorial.  Not a single thing has changed except for the number of days that stand between us. 

Our hearts ache so badly for a second chance with him. Even just to hold him again for a little longer.   The truth though, is that today isn’t just for mourning.  The privilege of welcoming him here on August 8th, 2012 still overwhelms my heart.  We got to make some memories with him.  I am so proud to be his mom. 

So, if you are looking for something you can do for us today, please consider baking a cake or dessert in honour of Griffin and enjoy it with your family.  We won’t be having the first birthday party we would have wanted for him, but I love the idea of our friends and family celebrating him today. 

And I hope today in Heaven they are celebrating your first birthday the way you should be celebrated.

 

To my sweet Griffin,

It's already been a week.  A week since I last felt you move and kick inside me.  A week since those first contractions started that we thought meant we were finally going to meet you.  A week since that moment that everything went sideways.  It wasn't just our baby that we lost at that moment. It was a lifetime worth of dreams; of milestones we thought we'd share with you. 

It's also been a week since we last held you .  We clung to you knowing that our time with you would be way too short, and we tried to memorize your every detail.  We marveled at your blonde hair and your big hands and feet.  I will always speak with pride about how much you weighed, and how tall you had grown to.  I spent many late nights wondering what you'd look like, and what your little personality would be like, and I still can't believe how perfect you were.

I carried you every moment you were alive on this earth, and never have I been given a more special gift.  Amidst all of this sadness, we feel so blessed to have been your parents. Chosen and set apart to love and care for such a special gift to the world.  Chosen to carry on your memory and to make sure your legacy is known.

And now we're here.  Saying goodbye to our first born son.  Giving your spirit and all of our hopes and dreams for your life back to God, and begging 'take care of him'.  I know that you're surrounded now by a beauty we can't even imagine, and a peace we'll never attain here on earth, but I still wish that every moment of our days were different. I wish I was experiencing every hard and beautiful part of parenting two kids. I wish I was watching Emily grow as a big sister. I wish I was dreaming with your Daddy about all of your firsts.

But for now? We're just waiting.  Waiting until we'll see you again.  Waiting on God to answer all of our questions of 'why'.  Waiting to see what kind of impact your short time with us will make in the world. 

Please watch for me, sweet boy.  Know that one day I will return to you.  And I will gather you up and tell you all of the things that I tried to tell you that night.  That we love you with a love that is greater than any words and stronger than death.  That we miss you with an ache that will never dim, for every step laid out before us is a step taken without you by our side.  And that I am so sorry that I couldn't carry you safely into this world. 

Today isn't really a goodbye, as I know I'll carry you with me everywhere I go, but as we mix in some of your ashes, it really is a sign that our physical time with you is over, and that all we have to hold on to now is your pictures and our memories.  We will cling to them so tightly Griffin, until we can make some more with you.

I love you, my sweet son.

See you later, alligator.

 

 

I never got to hear you laugh

you never saw me cry

didnt get a chance to say "Hello"

you never said "Goodbye"

I didn't think that I could feel

so sad, lost and forlorn.

I never knew God chose his Angels

before some of them were born.

Your life was short yet special

I shared it all, exclusively

I felt you grow, I felt you kick.

You were alive inside of me.

Every baby is an Angel

and every angel is divine

God needed one in heaven

He came down and took mine

And although we're not together

we're not really apart

for you'll always occupy a space

deep within my heart.

Time will slowly ease my pain

but I know I'll always cry.

When I wish I could have said "Hello"

and heard you say "Goodbye"

~Author Unknown

19 weeks

 

How far along? 19w2d (or 20w2d based on my last 3 ultrasounds)

Total weight gain:  +2lbs according to my home scale. +4lbs according to the scale and the clinic and +.5kg according to my MFMs scale.

Maternity clothes?  Still yes.  Although Craig was teasing me recently about looking as pregnant as our 7 month friend, so I’ve started wearing a lot of my non-maternity pants in protest.  Some of the ones that were looser can still be done up, so I guess I don’t really need to be in maternity ones as often as I am.

Sleep: Still good.  Falling asleep is always my biggest problem. I do a lot of my thinking at night, about Griffin and this sweet little one.

Best moment this week: Seeing him again on the ultrasound is always a great part of my week.  It’s probably because of the loss, but I always get apprehensive at every appointment that their going to suddenly find that his heart has stopped beating. :(  But we got the best news possible that medically this is looking to be a perfect pregnancy so all of the extra steps we are taking are more precautions than necessary stopgaps. 

Movement: Still lots of reassuring wiggles!  If they hadn’t have told me an I have an anterior placenta this time around, I would have had NO IDEA based on how often I can feel his kicks from the outside.  Hopefully Craig catches one soon!

Gender: Boy!

Labor Signs: None.  But I have noticed some braxton hicks lately when I’ve been bent over and stand up quickly (such as moving laundry from the washer to dryer).  Not painful, just annoying.  If it’s anything like my pregnancy with Griffin, they’ll go away around 30 weeks, with no contractions to be seen until I go into real labour.

Belly Button in or out? In.

What I miss:  Is it sad that it’s still wine?  And sleeping on my tummy.

Weekly Wisdom:  Smoothies and kombucha can do amazing things if you’re constipated.  Just saying.  Also, I have baby SCOBYs coming out of my ears, so please let me know if you’d like to start brewing your own!

Milestones: Half way!  Since it’s likely I’ll be going early since they want to gently induce me before 40 weeks, I can officially say I am half way now.  And I can also officially say that I am ready for this baby to be here.  I am really looking forward to growing this baby and feeling more and more kicks, but truthfully it feels like I am 9 months overdue at this point.

Big Sister:  Still really excited to have a baby in our house and teach it all of the things she is mastering.  Although we’ve also reached the point where she will say “I’m not being a sister!” or “I DON’T have two brothers!” if she’s grumpy mad for some reason or another.  C’est la vie.

Pregnancy After Loss:  I did the math and in a few days we will reach the point that Griffin has been gone from our arms for longer than we ever had him.  And on that same day I’ll be 20 weeks pregnant with our new blessing.  I’ll post more about this the day of because it is a LOT of emotions to unpack.

Prayer Requests: Baby looked really healthy yesterday, so just pray for continued good health and steady growth at our scans.  His placenta had moved up a bit (to .8cm away) so there is hope that it will keep moving the 2cm away that is needed for me to deliver him the good old fashioned way.  Pray it moves!  And doesn’t give us any trouble in the mean time. 

preggo projects

One of the things I was worried about for this pregnancy was the fact that we were COMPLETELY NEWBORN READY before we even conceived.  I mean, there are things we could do to improve the nursery (ie. hang pictures on the walls), but anything a person would worry about getting in place before baby comes, we’ve already got. 

And of course the second I found out we were having another boy I took all of the boy baby clothes out of their storage bags in the (nursery) closet and reorganized them.  I’ll still have to wash them come month nine so that they are fresh and clean for the new baby, but otherwise, clothing prep is done.  If I’m being completely honest, I never took any of the newborn clothes out of the dresser after Griffin died.  The bigger clothes were easier than looking at and touching all of those cute little things we’d bought for him and that he was supposed to be wearing then.  Going through it all again a couple weeks ago brought back another big cry fest.  It’s still not fair. 

But regardless, I am so excited to be expecting another baby, and I want to have projects to complete each week to help pass the time this pregnancy.  So here is my list of 20 things to complete in the next 20 weeks!  Not all of them are baby related, but a lot will make life easier for both while pregnant and with a newborn.

1.  Cloth Diapers (DIY some new fitted covers and pocket diapers)
2. Reupholster Glider
3. Nursery closet shelving system
4. Nursery brag wall (newborn photos, birth details, shadow frames of all kiddos)
5. Curtains and valance
6. Artsy mobile
7. Name art
8. Baby brother/big sister shirts
9. Big sister nook in nursery
10.  New baby carrier for me & play mei tai for Emily
11. Upholster master bed and headboard
12. Foam cushions for foyer bench
13. Toy storage in basement
14. Install fence and garden beds in backyard (Supervising!)
15. Cutesy camping trailer (new curtains, possibly new cushion covers)
16. Remove pond & sod hill
17. Arrange outdoor patio
18. Find plaque or stone for Griffins tree or garden.
19. Repaint/decorate guest/kids bathroom
20.  Get really good at doing laundry in a timely manner.

A couple of these are up to the hubby to complete, with my assistance/guidance, especially the fence and pond removal.  I’ve been digging up all of the plants around the pond myself, but all of the levelling and sodding will have to be up to him.

They also probably won’t be completed in this order. Outdoor/trailer stuff will likely all happen this month or the next, with a lot of the sewing projects happening as I need to slow it down a bit.